College

Okay this blog is not really related to my Radical Journey experience. It's about college being awesome yet expensive.

Just to deal briefly with the "awesome" part: I know I complained and griped and whined and all of that (I can think of better words but I won't say them) about college...but it is a really wonderful place! Eastern is such a blessing and a fantastic place to grow in my faith and in academics. I know I'll be challenged here, and I'm so very excited about all that this experience entails.

Now. Anyway. I just want to say that books are so expensive! And in this new crazy digital age, online passcodes so I can do my French homework on the interent are also so expensive!! I just spent $40 buying one passcode so I can have the basic online account; well, apparently I was supposed to buy another passcode as well so I can buy the workbook online and do my homework that way. Nobody told me that! and that will be another $60!!

It's ridiculous and I'm so tired of spending money on this class. Eventually I'll break down and buy it, especially since my next class is tomorrow, but man I really do not want to. I'm not made of money people, come on.

Aiii meee

Okay. I don't really feel like I'm someone who gets stressed out that easily...but Eastern University has succeeded fully in STRESSING ME OUT. I am just in absolute shock at how expensive college is!! I mean, obviously I've heard my whole life that college is expensive...I've seen in movies that college is expensive...my dad has told me that college is expensive...but I don't know. What was I thinking? It'll be fine? "Expensive"...that word isn't in my vocabulary! I'm invincible to high expenses!

Lord...

Well here's the real issue: I knew it was expensive, but I didn't think it would be expensive for me. In high school I got good grades. I did well on my SAT. I participated in enough extra-curriculars that I seemed "well-rounded" on applications and had some leadership experience under my belt. And when I applied to and got accepted by and was offered scholarships by Eastern, I figured "no, I got this. Expensive? Not for me!" Because Eastern sent me enough scholarship letters that added up to enough money that I didn't think I would have to pay anything for college. That's right: I added up those scholarship amounts with my oh-so-helpful college-level math skills and came up with just enough money to cover tuition and room and board at the private, Christian college of my choice.

And then...

Just a few months before college starts I get an email from my dad containing a financial aid package from Eastern that leaves me hanging with tons of tuition and room and board costs uncovered and lots of debt looming in my future. What happened to those scholarships I was banking on?? What happened to the reality that my parents have SEVEN children and I don't have a job and I have things I'd like to do with my life that absolutely do not include $44,000 in debt??

Oh yeah. Turns out...those scholarships are all of the same nature and you can't get more than one of them.

Well, thanks for telling me that sooner.

Now what?

Home

Alright so I am home. And by "home" I mean home home, as in Baltimore. I spent almost a week in Chicago after arriving in the States, having reorientation with Radical Journey and then visiting with family and friends for a couple days. It was a good week, and now it's over, and now I'm home.
Being home is hard. I was telling a friend of mine from South Africa (back when I was still in Chicago) that being back in the States after spending ten months in SA is kind of like getting into bed after a long, super-fun day; you're really tired but at the same time you wish that the day had never ended. However, now that I am back in Baltimore, it kind of feels like I got into bed expecting to sleep well and instead spent hours upon hours tossing and turning and shifting and being really uncomfortable and unable to sleep.
It's not that I'm not happy to see my family again...but I just don't know how to be here. I feel very trapped and frustrated by the fact that I think I've changed but that changed version of me doesn't know how to fit into my family or my city...so I'm trying to go back to the unchanged version of me, but I also really don't want to do that. And I'm facing college, which is absolutely terrifyingly looming in the next three weeks, and I'm just so tired.
So it sucks. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up in South Africa...because really South Africa is more to me than just a place. The past ten months were spent, for me, really getting to know myself and explore who I am and just be. I didn't have to worry about making money, getting a degree, growing up...and now I do. And I absolutely hate that. Doesn't the Bible say that to worry is to reject God's provision for us? Well maybe not in those words, but that's what I hear when I read that. He takes care of the birds, why should I have to freak out about how I'm going to make money and provide for my family in ten years? I'm 18 years old! I don't have a family! And I don't know if it's really what God wants for me to be stressing over that stuff. I believe that He is leading me and the best thing I can do is just follow, and I'm tired of hearing so many voices telling me that I should be worried about this and concerned about that.
So in short, please pray for me. I'm so tired...maybe I'll just go take a nap.

Last Day...

Well, today was our last full day in South Africa. It was a Sunday, which I find very fitting, since our entire work here was church-based. And it was just...an emotional roller coaster.

The past week I have largely spent being with friends that I've made here and visiting those who have been important to our team. It's been somewhat challenging to balance those two things and I have been extremely sleep-deprived the entire time, but it was really a beautiful week to me. I got to hang out with friends who have really meant the world to me here, especially in the last 5 or so months. It was really important to me that I show them how much they have meant and just spend some quality time with them, making memories :).

Then today we had church. It was beautiful. Kyle and I testified about our time here, expressing our gratitude and sharing our "Top 10 BCI Moments" list with the congregation in all three services. The sermon today was about rejection and how Christ offers the ultimate acceptance, the only thing that can really change lives. During the service I just felt like this incredible hunger inside of me was being satisfied. This church is a place that I feel God's presence, and I will really really miss that.

In between the second service and the third service they had a lunch for us, as well as all BCI staff/senior leaders and all BCA (the NGO connected to the church) staff. It was a thank-you/farewell lunch, and it was really nice. It was strange to eat at church and not to be expected to a) bring food, b) serve food, or c) clean up afterwards. That was strange in both good and bad ways to me, because it was relaxing but it also means that we are really done. That's something I still can't understand.

After the third service, around 4:00, the party began. People started to arrive and gather at the church, where we had set up the projector and big screen so we could watch the final game of the World Cup with a bunch of friends from church. The game wasn't until 8:30 but we spent those free hours playing games, drawing, talking about good memories, eating, and laughing. And I also did some holding back of tears.

The party was really nice...lots of people came and it was really fun to just be with these people who mean SOO SOO much to me. I would absolutely say that some of my closest friends in all of the world were there, and at the end of the night it broke me to say goodbye to them. I couldn't hold the tears in anymore and every single person that I hugged and said goodbye to just made it worse. These people are my family...I can't believe I have to leave them.

I've been crying almost nonstop all night long, and my eyes are swollen to the point where it's hard to really see properly. My head aches....and my heart is so incredibly sad. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, the next week, or the next 12 months AT ALL, which is not good, I'm sure...but it's true. The only thing I'm really looking forward to at this point is the next time I'll get to come back to South Africa, which better be soon. Or else.

________________

I was just reading some other blogs and I realized that this one is not nearly strong-worded enough to express what I'm feeling. So here are some strong words to express what I'm feeling:

• frustration.
• rage.
• hatred.
• fear.
• anger.
• sadness.
• depression.
• exhaustion.
• wariness.
• heartbrokenness.
• confusion.

Okay. That's better.

I hate...

So this blog is born out of an incredible desire to never ever go to college and to never ever be surrounded by people who want to learn and take notes and study. And absolutely worst of all, people who want to HIKE.
Here is a list of things I hate:

• people. But only certain people. I'm not going to explain beyond that, except to say that all the people I hate are either from Canada (sorry...nothing personal. Canadians are lovely!) or I don't know them at all, or both.
• studying. I hated high school because I had to study and learn all these things I didn't care about and spend lots of time sitting in class trying to stay awake. And I feel like that impending doom is a for-sure thing in my life...aka Eastern University.
• hiking. We went hiking in the Drakensberg a few weeks ago, and it was fun. I enjoyed it. But I'm not lying, I almost died. Partly I was just really dehydrated, and partly I'm possibly anemic, and partly I'm just really out of shape, but LORD. It was awful.
• not making money. I'll not have a for-sure job, and that is too bad, because I can think of things I could really use that money for - mostly, a plane ticket back to this joint.
• only having a few weeks to be home before going to college. Sure, last year at this time I was just itching to get away from home, but home is nice...and I miss my family and my friends and wish I had more free time to get to be with them and just relax.
• being cold. This is only sort of related, because I'm saying that because I'm cold right now. But also, it will probably be really cold at home during the winter, and I'm not up for any snow or sleet or hail or other crazy things that Pennsylvania will have to bring.

Ok so I have a bad attitude in general...yay me.

Gonna go see if that orange I stuck in my bed to defrost is ready to eat yet.

Here we go...

Well actually we aren't leaving until the 12th of July. But it's almost the 12th of June, sort of, and on the 12th of June we'll only have a solitary month left until we leave. And Ashley, a fellow RJer in Australia, is going home soon [in like a week!] and that just got me to thinking. Well, that and other things got me to thinking.
I'm always saying how much I'm going to miss it here, and I mean it, but sometimes I don't realize - even now I'm sure I don't truly realize - how much I'm going to miss it here. And how much this place has become a part of me. It's incredible how much of an impact being here has had on me. I feel like if I were to see myself a year ago, I wouldn't even recognize myself. I'm just a different person. My priorities are different, my thought processes are different, the things I do for fun are different. And I really, really like the me that I am now [yay!].
On top of that, though, the relationships I've built here are just incredible. And I'm leaving. I've become friends with so many people at church who I can't imagine not being a part of my life, and I've added four siblings - Anna, Gabby, Tim, and Kyle - to my family. And Lord knows when I'll see any of these people again.
How is that fair?
Augh. I mean, I know God brought me here for a reason, and I wouldn't trade this experience for ANYTHING in the whole wide world. But sometimes I just think "dang, God, why would you bring me here to gain all this and then lose it just like that?"
I guess part of the answer is that I won't be losing it, it's part of me and I'll take the growth and the "new me" and everything with me. But that just seems like words that don't really mean anything. I won't be here. I won't have these friends or these roommates or this church. So I will be losing it, and that sucks. Not fair, not at all.

In other news, I'm going to school soon. August, to be exact. Not exactly looking forward to studying again or to having to go to class or learn...none of those things really appeal to me at this point. But I'm praying that God will help me to stop judging all things Eastern so the next year [at least] of my life isn't absolutely dreadful. I know I can make it fun/enjoy it if I try, but I just don't feel like trying. Aaaa...

I'm a sinner...

I'm reading a book right now called Purple Hibiscus, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Among other things, this book deals with the issue of sin. The main character's father is a strict, ridiculous Catholic who beats his wife and children whenever he decides they've "sinned." He's crazy. And usually I have a very forgiving attitude towards myself about sin...I'm not likely to beat myself up when I realize I've done something wrong. But just now I did something bad...and I feel awful.
It's late here, about 11:45 PM. Maybe thirty, forty minutes ago I was sitting in our living room with Tim and Christian and we heard a weird noise - a gasping, halting, desperate sounding cry coming from somewhere outside. We looked at each other and then Christian said "Look outside," so Tim and I looked outside. There was woman walking swiftly down the middle of the street, crying out and saying words I couldn't understand. And Tim and I slowly turned away from the window, looked at each other, and both thought "Well...I don't know what to do." And we both did nothing.
I kept thinking to myself Just go out there, just offer her some water, ask her what's wrong, run after her, can't you see she's in some kind of pain? And I kept ignoring myself, until it got to the point where I couldn't run after her anymore, because I had waited too long. Which, of course, is what I wanted to happen.
I missed a chance to be Jesus to that woman. I missed a chance to be the one who visits the sick and the imprisoned, the one who clothes the naked and feeds the hungry. I know God forgives me, but He's also probably disappointed, just like I am.

So...once again, it's been quite a while since I have blogged. Not that I've missed blogging (ai! it's the truth though, the truth...), but I feel like I should. So here, I am.

Here are some updates:

• We went to Cape Town! It was about a week and a half long trip. We drove all the way there, which took us two days, spent four days in Cape Town, and then drove all the way back, which took us...let's see...five days, but only because we stopped and slept in various places. It was a really nice trip. Lot's of "team time," beautiful scenery, and driving driving driving. And more driving.
• We got back from Cape Town! There were times I thought I would never see Pietermaritzburg again in my whole life (those were sad times). But really, I was extremely happy to be back home, even though the trip was really wonderful. I missed these people lots and lots.
• I went from being sure that I would come back here for school (right?!) to deciding not to come back here for school. That in itself is a whole other very depressing and sad blog. I was sure in Cape Town that not coming back was a good idea...and since coming back to Pietermaritzburg I have just gotten confused all over again.
• The big convention at church is over, so I don't really know what to focus on now.

Uhm yeah. I don't know what else to say. Honestly the biggest thing at this point is that we only have like 2 1/2 months left before we leave. And my heart breaks every single time I think about it.

It's Been So Long!

Hello world! It has been forever and ever since I've blogged. I'm not really sorry...but I'm sorry.
Things have been mad busy for us. Church has exploded into a world of construction machines and guys in blue outfits, due to the ongoing construction of a big tent. This tent is going to be our church's new place of worship and it needs to be up by Easter, so everyone is super-go mode. What else?
Mmm. We recently got back from a trip to Mthatha, which is a city in the Eastern Cape, about five hours drive away from us. We were there visiting some friends of ours who are also working with Mennonite Mission Network, and we did lots of fun things. Here is a list:

• made a million donuts! no lie. i may be exaggerating a tiny bit. maybe it was more like 900,000.
• went to their church and fellowshiped with their friends, for a LONG time.
• sweated to death. it was so hot...
• went to a "farming God's way" workshop, including a demonstration (in the hot hot heat, but it's all gravy).
• went to a nelson mandela museum (mthatha is where nelson mandela is from!).
• made skirts! yay!! skirt party!
• listened to/stole lots of cool music from their cool iTunes collection.

So it was a good time. We got home on Tuesday and jumped right back into church life.

In other news, I went running yesterday AND today! Maybe it's the beginning of a new, fit, super-healthy life for me! We'll see. My hips are sore so I don't know...but I believe in myself.

In other other news, the time we have left here is getting shorter and shorter every day (duh) and it's very sad. In about four months it will be time to go home! I don't want to go home. I am currently dealing with a lot of confusion as to what God is calling me to next. So please pray for that.

I Don't Wanna Blog.

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy and somewhat overwhelming. And I don't really know what to blog about. We've been doing what we always do, working at the church in various ways, just more so. And we've been getting to know people here better, which is always good. Annddddd...I'm too tired to really think about what I want to say. So. All in all, all is well.

We just got home from a big game park called iMfolozi, which is about three or four hours away from here. We drove up with two guys from our church, looked for animals, looked for more animals, ate dinner, spent the night, looked for more animals, and came home again, and it was a very nice time. But that's not exactly what I want to talk about.
Last night the generator at the camp switched off around ten. This happens every night there unless you pay extra, so there was nothing to be done except get out the flashlights and kerosene lamps and fumble around to get into bed. As I was laying there in the darkness, thinking about our day, I realized how present God is in His creation. I mean, just that night we drove around looking for lions and leopards in a huge truck, hoping desperately to see these crazy beasts that could, technically, destroy us. How different is that from our realtionship with God? We spend our lives looking for Him, searching for Him, trying to find Him, and at the same time we are just dust compared to Him, easily crushable if that's what He wants. But because we serve a merciful, loving God, He wants us to find Him, and when we do He doesn't pounce and destroy - He welcomes us with open arms.
Our guide during the night drive told us to "open up our hearts" and we would then be more likely to see animals and not be disappointed. Of course, that "open up your heart, something something something, something something something, everlasting love!" popped into my head and stayed there for the rest of the night. Again, this seems to apply to our relationship with God - if we open up our hearts to Him, we will be able to experience His everlasting love. Shazam!

Top 10 Songs of 2009

Okay, so I am definitely stealing this idea from Kyle's blog, but I have spoken with him and it's fine. Here lies the list of my favorite songs of 2009 - most of them will not be songs that were released in 2009.
Oh wait. First I just want to properly introduce this list. Alright, so last year is generally dominated in my memory by the last 4 or so months, which were preoccupied by Radical Journey. Many of these songs will be closely linked to RJ because of that, but some of them will dare to be different. Some of them dare to dream big dreams.
Okay. Here we go:

10. "Nikita" by Elton John. This is a "dream-big" type of song. We listened to a lot of Elton John when I worked at Atwater's bakery (thanks to my coworker Mary) and, although this is not my favorite Elton John song, it is the one that sticks out most in my memories of that place. Mostly because Mary made me watch the music video of it after we got off work at like 1 AM.
9. "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC. Had to put AC/DC in here; after all, I listened to them a good deal in 2009.
8. "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. I went through an Amy Winehouse phase last summer that lasted...pretty much the whole summer. And I think this is my favorite of her songs.
7. "Two of Us" by The Beatles. No Top 10 list is complete without The Beatles, and I spent a good portion of 2009 either thinking about traveling or actually traveling...and this song reminds me of road trips every time I listen to it. So there you go.
6. "Why Can't We Be Friends?" by War. This song was sort of Anna's and my unofficial song. I used to break out into it at random times, and Anna would say "But we are friends!" And indeed, we are.
5. "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" by Don Henley. I LOVE this song! I went through a phase with it that lasted...forever. I still am in that phase. I still, miraculously, have not killed it for myself. So. Yeah.
4. "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations. This goes back to RJ orientation when I used to listen to it nearly every day, and continues into our time in South Africa when I would still sometimes listen to it every day. It's a lovely song.
3. "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" by The Hit Crew. This song is actually by Rupert Holmes, but the version I have was cheaper on iTunes and is still awesome. Nothing like the Pina Colada Song to brighten up any day - even if it's already very very bright.
2. "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson. This is a delightful little melody :). I think it is our unofficial/official RJ South Africa song, mainly due to the fact that Kyle likes to play the first little bit on the guitar and that gets us all singing it for the rest of the day.
1. "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Unfortunately, I did not listend to this song nearly as much as I should have last year. But it is my all-time favorite song, so it makes the list even if I never listen to it ever again (which I dearly hope will not happen).

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged, and I honestly think it’s because so much has been happening that I don’t even want to think about processing it so that others can understand it. Even that statement isn’t exactly true…I haven’t felt exceedingly busy; I just feel like the New Year brought with it so many more things to think about.
For instance, now I have to deal with this whole new feeling of actually liking it here, which is weird. It’s not that I don’t want to like it here – I do. It’s just that every time I remember that we are leaving in six months I am kind of sad, and I don’t like that so much.
Another thing that I have to think about is being a Mennonite and what that means for me. We recently went to a retreat for all of the Mennonites working in southern Africa. It was a really good time, but I came out of it feeling kind of…discombobulated. Strangely enough, I was glad to leave – not in a “ahh get me out of here!” way, but in a “I’m glad to go home” way, with “home” being BCI. I think one part of this craziness is that, yes, I do like it much more here than I did at first, but I think another part is me starting to think more about what I believe and how I want to label myself. Am I first a Mennonite and then a Christian, or is it the other way around?
I am also dealing with involvement in church programs, trying to figure out a balance so that I am doing a good amount of useful work. An example of this issue is Children’s Church. One of my main jobs is supposed to be working with the Children’s Church, but I have not been very successful in getting involved – certainly, this problem is mostly my fault. It’s hard for me to force myself to be involved in the Children’s Church when there are other places that I feel better plugged into. But I will definitely be trying harder during these next six or so months.
So yeah. Lots of things to process, including but not limited to the aforementioned. That in itself is exhausting, plus I was up until 4 AM last night. It was fun then but now I’m just completely wiped.

New Year's

This year’s New Year’s holiday was absolutely the best I have ever had. Usually I celebrate New Year’s sitting at home, maybe watching a movie and eating takeout. Sometimes we watch the ball drop. I think once when I was like thirteen I went to a New Year’s Eve party, and we made earrings. Even that wasn’t as fun as this year.
Our holiday started at 10 PM on Thursday the 31st, at church. BCI has a “praying in the new year” service every year, and let me tell you…it was awesome. I think it was my favorite church service ever. We had wonderful praise and worship and got to see lots of “items” - things like songs, poetry, and dance. And after the service, just after midnight, we put off fireworks in the church yard.
After the fireworks our team went off with a number of other youth to an after-service party. We played some Frisbee and football outside, danced (or, in my case, watched dancing), listened to music, played in the pool (or watched people get thrown into the pool), and played 30 Seconds, which is a game pretty much like Taboo. It was really nice. It was so weird to be standing outside in the early morning in shorts and a tank top, not cold at all…in January. Weird, but awesome.
Then around 4 AM or so, a bunch of us began setting off for the beach. We were attempting to watch the sunrise to bring in the New Year, but we didn’t actually end up leaving Pietermaritzburg until nearly 8, because we had to drop off so many people from the party and pick up so many people for the beach. Finally, at around 7:45, thirteen of us set off for the beach packed into a van (aka a pickup truck; this one has a covered bed), cramped, hot, and tired, but also excited.
We spent a little time on the beach, but due to a shark sighting and not-so-hot weather we weren’t there for long. We soon retired to a water park and spent a long time living it up on the slides. It’s amazing how much use you can get out of a few slides and some inner tubes. Around 1:00, extremely hungry, we got some pizzas and ate, and then I fell asleep at our child-size picnic table (the only one left in the park for us to use) for a good while. It was lovely.
The ride back to Pietermaritzburg was equally cramped as the ride to the coast, and we were all even more tired than before. I had: one guy leaning on my shins, asleep; another guy leaning on my shoulder, asleep; another guy with his feet on my thighs, asleep. I was holding onto some guy’s knees, dozing. It was hot hot hot and cramped cramped cramped, but during that ride, in that van, I fell in love with South Africa. I don’t know how I will ever leave.