I'm a sinner...

I'm reading a book right now called Purple Hibiscus, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Among other things, this book deals with the issue of sin. The main character's father is a strict, ridiculous Catholic who beats his wife and children whenever he decides they've "sinned." He's crazy. And usually I have a very forgiving attitude towards myself about sin...I'm not likely to beat myself up when I realize I've done something wrong. But just now I did something bad...and I feel awful.
It's late here, about 11:45 PM. Maybe thirty, forty minutes ago I was sitting in our living room with Tim and Christian and we heard a weird noise - a gasping, halting, desperate sounding cry coming from somewhere outside. We looked at each other and then Christian said "Look outside," so Tim and I looked outside. There was woman walking swiftly down the middle of the street, crying out and saying words I couldn't understand. And Tim and I slowly turned away from the window, looked at each other, and both thought "Well...I don't know what to do." And we both did nothing.
I kept thinking to myself Just go out there, just offer her some water, ask her what's wrong, run after her, can't you see she's in some kind of pain? And I kept ignoring myself, until it got to the point where I couldn't run after her anymore, because I had waited too long. Which, of course, is what I wanted to happen.
I missed a chance to be Jesus to that woman. I missed a chance to be the one who visits the sick and the imprisoned, the one who clothes the naked and feeds the hungry. I know God forgives me, but He's also probably disappointed, just like I am.

So...once again, it's been quite a while since I have blogged. Not that I've missed blogging (ai! it's the truth though, the truth...), but I feel like I should. So here, I am.

Here are some updates:

• We went to Cape Town! It was about a week and a half long trip. We drove all the way there, which took us two days, spent four days in Cape Town, and then drove all the way back, which took us...let's see...five days, but only because we stopped and slept in various places. It was a really nice trip. Lot's of "team time," beautiful scenery, and driving driving driving. And more driving.
• We got back from Cape Town! There were times I thought I would never see Pietermaritzburg again in my whole life (those were sad times). But really, I was extremely happy to be back home, even though the trip was really wonderful. I missed these people lots and lots.
• I went from being sure that I would come back here for school (right?!) to deciding not to come back here for school. That in itself is a whole other very depressing and sad blog. I was sure in Cape Town that not coming back was a good idea...and since coming back to Pietermaritzburg I have just gotten confused all over again.
• The big convention at church is over, so I don't really know what to focus on now.

Uhm yeah. I don't know what else to say. Honestly the biggest thing at this point is that we only have like 2 1/2 months left before we leave. And my heart breaks every single time I think about it.

It's Been So Long!

Hello world! It has been forever and ever since I've blogged. I'm not really sorry...but I'm sorry.
Things have been mad busy for us. Church has exploded into a world of construction machines and guys in blue outfits, due to the ongoing construction of a big tent. This tent is going to be our church's new place of worship and it needs to be up by Easter, so everyone is super-go mode. What else?
Mmm. We recently got back from a trip to Mthatha, which is a city in the Eastern Cape, about five hours drive away from us. We were there visiting some friends of ours who are also working with Mennonite Mission Network, and we did lots of fun things. Here is a list:

• made a million donuts! no lie. i may be exaggerating a tiny bit. maybe it was more like 900,000.
• went to their church and fellowshiped with their friends, for a LONG time.
• sweated to death. it was so hot...
• went to a "farming God's way" workshop, including a demonstration (in the hot hot heat, but it's all gravy).
• went to a nelson mandela museum (mthatha is where nelson mandela is from!).
• made skirts! yay!! skirt party!
• listened to/stole lots of cool music from their cool iTunes collection.

So it was a good time. We got home on Tuesday and jumped right back into church life.

In other news, I went running yesterday AND today! Maybe it's the beginning of a new, fit, super-healthy life for me! We'll see. My hips are sore so I don't know...but I believe in myself.

In other other news, the time we have left here is getting shorter and shorter every day (duh) and it's very sad. In about four months it will be time to go home! I don't want to go home. I am currently dealing with a lot of confusion as to what God is calling me to next. So please pray for that.

I Don't Wanna Blog.

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy and somewhat overwhelming. And I don't really know what to blog about. We've been doing what we always do, working at the church in various ways, just more so. And we've been getting to know people here better, which is always good. Annddddd...I'm too tired to really think about what I want to say. So. All in all, all is well.

We just got home from a big game park called iMfolozi, which is about three or four hours away from here. We drove up with two guys from our church, looked for animals, looked for more animals, ate dinner, spent the night, looked for more animals, and came home again, and it was a very nice time. But that's not exactly what I want to talk about.
Last night the generator at the camp switched off around ten. This happens every night there unless you pay extra, so there was nothing to be done except get out the flashlights and kerosene lamps and fumble around to get into bed. As I was laying there in the darkness, thinking about our day, I realized how present God is in His creation. I mean, just that night we drove around looking for lions and leopards in a huge truck, hoping desperately to see these crazy beasts that could, technically, destroy us. How different is that from our realtionship with God? We spend our lives looking for Him, searching for Him, trying to find Him, and at the same time we are just dust compared to Him, easily crushable if that's what He wants. But because we serve a merciful, loving God, He wants us to find Him, and when we do He doesn't pounce and destroy - He welcomes us with open arms.
Our guide during the night drive told us to "open up our hearts" and we would then be more likely to see animals and not be disappointed. Of course, that "open up your heart, something something something, something something something, everlasting love!" popped into my head and stayed there for the rest of the night. Again, this seems to apply to our relationship with God - if we open up our hearts to Him, we will be able to experience His everlasting love. Shazam!

Top 10 Songs of 2009

Okay, so I am definitely stealing this idea from Kyle's blog, but I have spoken with him and it's fine. Here lies the list of my favorite songs of 2009 - most of them will not be songs that were released in 2009.
Oh wait. First I just want to properly introduce this list. Alright, so last year is generally dominated in my memory by the last 4 or so months, which were preoccupied by Radical Journey. Many of these songs will be closely linked to RJ because of that, but some of them will dare to be different. Some of them dare to dream big dreams.
Okay. Here we go:

10. "Nikita" by Elton John. This is a "dream-big" type of song. We listened to a lot of Elton John when I worked at Atwater's bakery (thanks to my coworker Mary) and, although this is not my favorite Elton John song, it is the one that sticks out most in my memories of that place. Mostly because Mary made me watch the music video of it after we got off work at like 1 AM.
9. "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC. Had to put AC/DC in here; after all, I listened to them a good deal in 2009.
8. "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. I went through an Amy Winehouse phase last summer that lasted...pretty much the whole summer. And I think this is my favorite of her songs.
7. "Two of Us" by The Beatles. No Top 10 list is complete without The Beatles, and I spent a good portion of 2009 either thinking about traveling or actually traveling...and this song reminds me of road trips every time I listen to it. So there you go.
6. "Why Can't We Be Friends?" by War. This song was sort of Anna's and my unofficial song. I used to break out into it at random times, and Anna would say "But we are friends!" And indeed, we are.
5. "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" by Don Henley. I LOVE this song! I went through a phase with it that lasted...forever. I still am in that phase. I still, miraculously, have not killed it for myself. So. Yeah.
4. "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations. This goes back to RJ orientation when I used to listen to it nearly every day, and continues into our time in South Africa when I would still sometimes listen to it every day. It's a lovely song.
3. "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" by The Hit Crew. This song is actually by Rupert Holmes, but the version I have was cheaper on iTunes and is still awesome. Nothing like the Pina Colada Song to brighten up any day - even if it's already very very bright.
2. "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson. This is a delightful little melody :). I think it is our unofficial/official RJ South Africa song, mainly due to the fact that Kyle likes to play the first little bit on the guitar and that gets us all singing it for the rest of the day.
1. "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Unfortunately, I did not listend to this song nearly as much as I should have last year. But it is my all-time favorite song, so it makes the list even if I never listen to it ever again (which I dearly hope will not happen).

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged, and I honestly think it’s because so much has been happening that I don’t even want to think about processing it so that others can understand it. Even that statement isn’t exactly true…I haven’t felt exceedingly busy; I just feel like the New Year brought with it so many more things to think about.
For instance, now I have to deal with this whole new feeling of actually liking it here, which is weird. It’s not that I don’t want to like it here – I do. It’s just that every time I remember that we are leaving in six months I am kind of sad, and I don’t like that so much.
Another thing that I have to think about is being a Mennonite and what that means for me. We recently went to a retreat for all of the Mennonites working in southern Africa. It was a really good time, but I came out of it feeling kind of…discombobulated. Strangely enough, I was glad to leave – not in a “ahh get me out of here!” way, but in a “I’m glad to go home” way, with “home” being BCI. I think one part of this craziness is that, yes, I do like it much more here than I did at first, but I think another part is me starting to think more about what I believe and how I want to label myself. Am I first a Mennonite and then a Christian, or is it the other way around?
I am also dealing with involvement in church programs, trying to figure out a balance so that I am doing a good amount of useful work. An example of this issue is Children’s Church. One of my main jobs is supposed to be working with the Children’s Church, but I have not been very successful in getting involved – certainly, this problem is mostly my fault. It’s hard for me to force myself to be involved in the Children’s Church when there are other places that I feel better plugged into. But I will definitely be trying harder during these next six or so months.
So yeah. Lots of things to process, including but not limited to the aforementioned. That in itself is exhausting, plus I was up until 4 AM last night. It was fun then but now I’m just completely wiped.