Aiii meee

Okay. I don't really feel like I'm someone who gets stressed out that easily...but Eastern University has succeeded fully in STRESSING ME OUT. I am just in absolute shock at how expensive college is!! I mean, obviously I've heard my whole life that college is expensive...I've seen in movies that college is expensive...my dad has told me that college is expensive...but I don't know. What was I thinking? It'll be fine? "Expensive"...that word isn't in my vocabulary! I'm invincible to high expenses!

Lord...

Well here's the real issue: I knew it was expensive, but I didn't think it would be expensive for me. In high school I got good grades. I did well on my SAT. I participated in enough extra-curriculars that I seemed "well-rounded" on applications and had some leadership experience under my belt. And when I applied to and got accepted by and was offered scholarships by Eastern, I figured "no, I got this. Expensive? Not for me!" Because Eastern sent me enough scholarship letters that added up to enough money that I didn't think I would have to pay anything for college. That's right: I added up those scholarship amounts with my oh-so-helpful college-level math skills and came up with just enough money to cover tuition and room and board at the private, Christian college of my choice.

And then...

Just a few months before college starts I get an email from my dad containing a financial aid package from Eastern that leaves me hanging with tons of tuition and room and board costs uncovered and lots of debt looming in my future. What happened to those scholarships I was banking on?? What happened to the reality that my parents have SEVEN children and I don't have a job and I have things I'd like to do with my life that absolutely do not include $44,000 in debt??

Oh yeah. Turns out...those scholarships are all of the same nature and you can't get more than one of them.

Well, thanks for telling me that sooner.

Now what?

Home

Alright so I am home. And by "home" I mean home home, as in Baltimore. I spent almost a week in Chicago after arriving in the States, having reorientation with Radical Journey and then visiting with family and friends for a couple days. It was a good week, and now it's over, and now I'm home.
Being home is hard. I was telling a friend of mine from South Africa (back when I was still in Chicago) that being back in the States after spending ten months in SA is kind of like getting into bed after a long, super-fun day; you're really tired but at the same time you wish that the day had never ended. However, now that I am back in Baltimore, it kind of feels like I got into bed expecting to sleep well and instead spent hours upon hours tossing and turning and shifting and being really uncomfortable and unable to sleep.
It's not that I'm not happy to see my family again...but I just don't know how to be here. I feel very trapped and frustrated by the fact that I think I've changed but that changed version of me doesn't know how to fit into my family or my city...so I'm trying to go back to the unchanged version of me, but I also really don't want to do that. And I'm facing college, which is absolutely terrifyingly looming in the next three weeks, and I'm just so tired.
So it sucks. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up in South Africa...because really South Africa is more to me than just a place. The past ten months were spent, for me, really getting to know myself and explore who I am and just be. I didn't have to worry about making money, getting a degree, growing up...and now I do. And I absolutely hate that. Doesn't the Bible say that to worry is to reject God's provision for us? Well maybe not in those words, but that's what I hear when I read that. He takes care of the birds, why should I have to freak out about how I'm going to make money and provide for my family in ten years? I'm 18 years old! I don't have a family! And I don't know if it's really what God wants for me to be stressing over that stuff. I believe that He is leading me and the best thing I can do is just follow, and I'm tired of hearing so many voices telling me that I should be worried about this and concerned about that.
So in short, please pray for me. I'm so tired...maybe I'll just go take a nap.

Last Day...

Well, today was our last full day in South Africa. It was a Sunday, which I find very fitting, since our entire work here was church-based. And it was just...an emotional roller coaster.

The past week I have largely spent being with friends that I've made here and visiting those who have been important to our team. It's been somewhat challenging to balance those two things and I have been extremely sleep-deprived the entire time, but it was really a beautiful week to me. I got to hang out with friends who have really meant the world to me here, especially in the last 5 or so months. It was really important to me that I show them how much they have meant and just spend some quality time with them, making memories :).

Then today we had church. It was beautiful. Kyle and I testified about our time here, expressing our gratitude and sharing our "Top 10 BCI Moments" list with the congregation in all three services. The sermon today was about rejection and how Christ offers the ultimate acceptance, the only thing that can really change lives. During the service I just felt like this incredible hunger inside of me was being satisfied. This church is a place that I feel God's presence, and I will really really miss that.

In between the second service and the third service they had a lunch for us, as well as all BCI staff/senior leaders and all BCA (the NGO connected to the church) staff. It was a thank-you/farewell lunch, and it was really nice. It was strange to eat at church and not to be expected to a) bring food, b) serve food, or c) clean up afterwards. That was strange in both good and bad ways to me, because it was relaxing but it also means that we are really done. That's something I still can't understand.

After the third service, around 4:00, the party began. People started to arrive and gather at the church, where we had set up the projector and big screen so we could watch the final game of the World Cup with a bunch of friends from church. The game wasn't until 8:30 but we spent those free hours playing games, drawing, talking about good memories, eating, and laughing. And I also did some holding back of tears.

The party was really nice...lots of people came and it was really fun to just be with these people who mean SOO SOO much to me. I would absolutely say that some of my closest friends in all of the world were there, and at the end of the night it broke me to say goodbye to them. I couldn't hold the tears in anymore and every single person that I hugged and said goodbye to just made it worse. These people are my family...I can't believe I have to leave them.

I've been crying almost nonstop all night long, and my eyes are swollen to the point where it's hard to really see properly. My head aches....and my heart is so incredibly sad. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, the next week, or the next 12 months AT ALL, which is not good, I'm sure...but it's true. The only thing I'm really looking forward to at this point is the next time I'll get to come back to South Africa, which better be soon. Or else.

________________

I was just reading some other blogs and I realized that this one is not nearly strong-worded enough to express what I'm feeling. So here are some strong words to express what I'm feeling:

• frustration.
• rage.
• hatred.
• fear.
• anger.
• sadness.
• depression.
• exhaustion.
• wariness.
• heartbrokenness.
• confusion.

Okay. That's better.