Home

Alright so I am home. And by "home" I mean home home, as in Baltimore. I spent almost a week in Chicago after arriving in the States, having reorientation with Radical Journey and then visiting with family and friends for a couple days. It was a good week, and now it's over, and now I'm home.
Being home is hard. I was telling a friend of mine from South Africa (back when I was still in Chicago) that being back in the States after spending ten months in SA is kind of like getting into bed after a long, super-fun day; you're really tired but at the same time you wish that the day had never ended. However, now that I am back in Baltimore, it kind of feels like I got into bed expecting to sleep well and instead spent hours upon hours tossing and turning and shifting and being really uncomfortable and unable to sleep.
It's not that I'm not happy to see my family again...but I just don't know how to be here. I feel very trapped and frustrated by the fact that I think I've changed but that changed version of me doesn't know how to fit into my family or my city...so I'm trying to go back to the unchanged version of me, but I also really don't want to do that. And I'm facing college, which is absolutely terrifyingly looming in the next three weeks, and I'm just so tired.
So it sucks. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up in South Africa...because really South Africa is more to me than just a place. The past ten months were spent, for me, really getting to know myself and explore who I am and just be. I didn't have to worry about making money, getting a degree, growing up...and now I do. And I absolutely hate that. Doesn't the Bible say that to worry is to reject God's provision for us? Well maybe not in those words, but that's what I hear when I read that. He takes care of the birds, why should I have to freak out about how I'm going to make money and provide for my family in ten years? I'm 18 years old! I don't have a family! And I don't know if it's really what God wants for me to be stressing over that stuff. I believe that He is leading me and the best thing I can do is just follow, and I'm tired of hearing so many voices telling me that I should be worried about this and concerned about that.
So in short, please pray for me. I'm so tired...maybe I'll just go take a nap.